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November 3, 2016: Some other time

I guess I had it coming
for getting my hopes up, for wanting to belong
if only for just a night

And I guess you had it easy
for telling your lies so innocent-like.

And I can’t say I didn’t see it coming
and I can’t say that I did
stuck in this constant state of distrust
it’s why I can’t depend on anyone.

October 8, 2016: Work in progress

I am changing.

ever evolving as I shed the girl I was before. She was scared, so I took her by the hand. And I told her “life is what you make of it, you gotta live for today.”

She didn’t smile. She was poised in between who she was and what she could be. That fear she carried, the anxiety, your secrets she promised to keep.

It’s okay.

It’s okay to fall apart. We fall apart so that can come back together again. I needed you, I neglected you. Trust doesn’t come easy when everyone spits on your name.

She hesitated. Memories came flooding back. Of him, of her. Crying under covers as his soul went undercover. An empty love. Who could have blamed you? I guess I did.

And I am sorry. For letting you think it was your fault, for not stifling those thoughts of suicide. I didn’t know how dark our heart would go. I wish I was more loving to you, more forgiving. Maybe we would have healed each other faster.

I am still changing.

turning into the woman I want to be. I lift myself up. I make mistakes but I LOVE. I laugh, I dance, I take chances. But I still think about that girl I used to be. I used to want to be more like her until I started working on me.

Just call me a work in progress; a “to be continued”. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

August 16, 2016: till it happens to you

When you’re thirty years old, suddenly certain things in life that you previously held at bay, come crashing to the surface. There’s no warning. Just like the pimple that would pop through on picture day in school. You just have to swallow hard, and bear the pain. At least this time there’s alcohol, right?

Even thinking about being in my thirties terrified and fascinated me as a kid. I thought I would be married with a few kids, not because they were what I wanted, but because it was what my mother did and I wanted to imitate her. I spent seven years of my life with a man who was my best friend, but love wasn’t enough to save us. We played house too young. I didn’t do what I encourage younger adults to do now. I didn’t date other people, I didn’t experiment. There was never a moment where I was even SLIGHTLY reckless. I couldn’t find it within myself to lose control.

I don’t feel much different than I did during those days. I guess you can say I’ve always been an old soul. But what I have come to realize, is that no one on this green earth can dictate your future. Am I as successful as I want to be? No. Am I completely happy? No. BUT (and this is the important part), I AM OKAY. People put too much emphasis on making sure that everyone else is fulfilling the facade of what THEY feel like you should be acting like. I’ve been through so much that I’m surprised I’m still a functional human being at times. Yes I have my bouts with depression and darkness, but I always come out on the other side with a vengeance.

There was a relationship that ended a few years ago that really killed me emotionally. I didn’t realize that until two whole years had gone by, and I was still alone, bitter, angry, and distraught. This person who I loved and trusted put his hands on me during sex. He apologized, claiming he wasn’t in the right “frame” of mind. I remember sobbing hysterically in my room while he let himself out of my apartment. A little tiny piece of me died that day. I think I hated myself for awhile after that because I still continued to see him. I wanted to fix whatever was so damaged and broken inside him that I ended up trading away my own self worth. When he suddenly disappeared and stopped calling, only to find out that he had been cheating the last 6 months of our relationship and was now in Florida meeting her family, I wish I could say that I was relieved, like he had done me a huge favor. But for my heart, that wasn’t that case.

I never planned on swearing off dating, it just sort of happened. I’ve had a other boyfriends here and there, or random dates with people that never went anywhere. Sometimes I don’t think my friends and family understand. Socially, I should be in the prime of my life. I should be a little social butterfly and go out and have FUN. At one time, I was. I just don’t think that I can be that girl anymore. These days I surround myself with a select group of friends and family. My anxiety rears its ugly head during certain situations but I’ve overcome a lot. My temper is more frequent, I don’t put up with other people’s shit like I used to. I think these past few years have made me stronger than I ever was.

Which leads me to this. I’m turning 31 in 2 weeks. All this week I’ve been low key freaking out about this, but you know what? WHO CARES? Maybe I’m not where I envisioned myself at this age. SHIT HAPPENS. I have a good job, I have my own house and pay all my own bills. I’m secure in myself. I can look back at the worst parts of my life and give myself all the mental hugs in the world and say “everything is going to be okay. YOU are going to be okay.” Maybe my purpose in this life isn’t to stay silent about what hurts me. Maybe by finally speaking out, my heart can find a way to heal.

August 4, 2016: Even If It’s A Lie

when you’re numb
it’s hard to explain
a touch doesn’t startle
my heart doesn’t pang.

I cry but no tears fall
I shout to no avail
it leaves me breathless
being no one’s nightingale.

locked inside a mind
that won’t let me sleep
awake during all hours
rest is for the weak.

I tried to be different
a new version of me
but I got tongue tied
with all the lies I’d speak.

when a smile is all you have
to keep from falling apart
you begin to second guess yourself
and fall victim to dangerous hearts.

I could, I could love
love is such a foreign word
what’s in a name anyways?
romeo and juliet’s were heard.

when days turn into weeks
and months turn into years
wishing, waiting, hoping
that this feeling would disappear.

July 1, 2016: Go On

you go on
I go on
spinning in circles
get gone

interweaving hearts
mine was taken
captive in love
I was mistaken

weak for touches
butterfly kisses
cupid’s arrow
always misses

memories fade
words don’t
care for me
but you won’t

tumbling down
fall from grace
crisis of identity
crisis of faith

breathe in
breathe out
hold it together
silently SHOUT

I love you
I loved you
I’ll always love you
And you KNEW

you go on
I go on
cut the ties
live STRONG.

June 29, 2016: OKAY

I might not have it all
but this is what I can say;
I have family who loves me
and friends who stay.

I might not be
the person that I had planned
but who needs a perfect design
I’d rather work with flawed hands.

I might not write
the way you expected me to
but these words are mine
and they intertwine with you.

I might not have it all
but this is what I can say;
I have a fulfilling life thus far
and I’m going to be okay.

: Topsy Turvy

Trapped inside a mind that is not my own,
my words are not my words
they are a tongue lashing that hurts.

Daily routine is constantly the same
seeking solace in the smallest of things,
worry will be the death of me.

Loving you the only way that I can,
pushing you away from the madness
not realizing I only bring you sadness.

You fell in love with a girl at seventeen
and she wound up falling apart shortly after,
who bares the pain and fakes the laughter.

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