When you’re thirty years old, suddenly certain things in life that you previously held at bay, come crashing to the surface. There’s no warning. Just like the pimple that would pop through on picture day in school. You just have to swallow hard, and bear the pain. At least this time there’s alcohol, right?
Even thinking about being in my thirties terrified and fascinated me as a kid. I thought I would be married with a few kids, not because they were what I wanted, but because it was what my mother did and I wanted to imitate her. I spent seven years of my life with a man who was my best friend, but love wasn’t enough to save us. We played house too young. I didn’t do what I encourage younger adults to do now. I didn’t date other people, I didn’t experiment. There was never a moment where I was even SLIGHTLY reckless. I couldn’t find it within myself to lose control.
I don’t feel much different than I did during those days. I guess you can say I’ve always been an old soul. But what I have come to realize, is that no one on this green earth can dictate your future. Am I as successful as I want to be? No. Am I completely happy? No. BUT (and this is the important part), I AM OKAY. People put too much emphasis on making sure that everyone else is fulfilling the facade of what THEY feel like you should be acting like. I’ve been through so much that I’m surprised I’m still a functional human being at times. Yes I have my bouts with depression and darkness, but I always come out on the other side with a vengeance.
There was a relationship that ended a few years ago that really killed me emotionally. I didn’t realize that until two whole years had gone by, and I was still alone, bitter, angry, and distraught. This person who I loved and trusted put his hands on me during sex. He apologized, claiming he wasn’t in the right “frame” of mind. I remember sobbing hysterically in my room while he let himself out of my apartment. A little tiny piece of me died that day. I think I hated myself for awhile after that because I still continued to see him. I wanted to fix whatever was so damaged and broken inside him that I ended up trading away my own self worth. When he suddenly disappeared and stopped calling, only to find out that he had been cheating the last 6 months of our relationship and was now in Florida meeting her family, I wish I could say that I was relieved, like he had done me a huge favor. But for my heart, that wasn’t that case.
I never planned on swearing off dating, it just sort of happened. I’ve had a other boyfriends here and there, or random dates with people that never went anywhere. Sometimes I don’t think my friends and family understand. Socially, I should be in the prime of my life. I should be a little social butterfly and go out and have FUN. At one time, I was. I just don’t think that I can be that girl anymore. These days I surround myself with a select group of friends and family. My anxiety rears its ugly head during certain situations but I’ve overcome a lot. My temper is more frequent, I don’t put up with other people’s shit like I used to. I think these past few years have made me stronger than I ever was.
Which leads me to this. I’m turning 31 in 2 weeks. All this week I’ve been low key freaking out about this, but you know what? WHO CARES? Maybe I’m not where I envisioned myself at this age. SHIT HAPPENS. I have a good job, I have my own house and pay all my own bills. I’m secure in myself. I can look back at the worst parts of my life and give myself all the mental hugs in the world and say “everything is going to be okay. YOU are going to be okay.” Maybe my purpose in this life isn’t to stay silent about what hurts me. Maybe by finally speaking out, my heart can find a way to heal.